It's hard not to hate my body.

As if the miscarriage wasn't hard enough on me emotionally, here I am with more problems.
More sadness. More pain.

I thought it was supposed to be easy to get pregnant after a miscarriage. Uhm, no. It hasn't been. It's been incredibly hard. In fact, incredibly impossible.

I haven't been ovulating, nor do I think I ever will again (on my own at least). Ouch.
It's hard to hear. Hard to comprehend. Who knew this baby making business would be so hard? I sure didn't.

I'm planning on going to an infertility doctor at the end of the month, so that's one thing to look forward to. I'm excited to see what the doctor can do for me. But, at the same time I am terrified about what I'll hear about my body.

Oh, my body. I already hate it. So much. Mr. Smiling and I have been trying to have a baby for a year now, and we have nothing to show for it except for heartache. And, it's all my fault. It's a hard thing to deal with, definitely.

On top of that, we are in so much debt from the miscarriage. At times, I feel like we barely make it through. It seems wrong that I'm being charged so much for a miscarriage. I came home with no baby, as if that wasn't punishment enough.

Of course, husband and I aren't about to give up our baby wishes, just yet. In fact, we won't give up on a baby ever. We were born to be parents, I know we were.

So, though this journey has been completely heartbreaking and has broken me down to the core, I will not give up.

I decided I needed to start writing somewhere. Anywhere. I feel like my thoughts are so trapped inside my head. There are very few people that I can talk about the miscarriage with in real life. Very few. So I hope that this blog will grant me a little more sanity.

When thinking about what to name this blog, I really had no idea what to call it. Finally, I decided on Smile Through the Storm. It might sound a little weird right now because honestly, I barely feel like smiling most of the time. But, I am going to try to smile through this huge storm. I deserve happiness. I do. It's just hard for me to smile through my trials. So, that's my goal.

For now though, I'm just going to complain. I'm going to tell you (my new best friend) all of my fears. All of my worries. And, of course, all of my pain and sadness.


April 2, 2009 was the hardest day of my life so far, hands down. I have never felt so much emotional and physical pain before. I wanted those babies so badly. I needed them. I really feel like a part of me left with those precious little babies. I am not the same person I was before getting pregnant with them. Not even close.

Some days, I feel like I will be able to move on. I feel like my future is bright. I'm excited to get up and start a new day. Others aren't so great.

Sometimes, I feel so down on myself that I truly convince myself that I will never get pregnant again. And, even if I do, I feel like I will never carry the baby full term. What a bad attitude. Knock some sense into me, please?